October 21, 2012


A week ago I was in CA enjoying myself with people I love. Wrestling with nephews & talking with nieces. Rediscovering relationships with sisters. And learning from family. It was a great weekend! I got to watch my niece get baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints! I'm so happy for her.
But at some hard times for me I realized that while I am now grown-up (I feel, I mean come on I have been married for 5 years, and have a 4 year old daughter), I still felt like a help-less scared little girl at times. Perhaps I care too much about what my sisters think of me. Perhaps I give too much heart to my desires to have a relationship with Raquel. But at one point when I had to just remove myself from the situation (I'm pretty sure the fact that I was tired & it was getting late was a big excellator), I realized that I have 'inclusion issues'. I don't know that that's a real term.
But I do know that I have now let myself admit more fully than ever before that I need to feel included. I don't need to be in the middle of things, I don't even need to be in everything but I greatly crave, & put probably too much effort, into simply being a part of those I care about lives. That's why things are so hard for me with my in-laws and how they never invite us to anything & even talk about things they are going to do without us.
This is why things with not being able to know whats going on in Raqul's life are so hard. This is why I give my surrogate brothers such a hard time when I don't hear from them in months. This is why it is so easy for me to feel neglected. I'm not saying its anyones fault or that people have done things wrong.
But I don't know how to include myself a lot of the time (mostly because I want it so bad but don't want to throw myself at people... I'm afraid that they don't want me because I want them so bad).
I tried to explain this to a mentor of mine while I was a teenager and she said I sounded prideful. It took me till this weekend to realize that I wasn't having a pride issue, I'm not worried about what people think of me but I am worried about if they will include me in their lives. Then I'm afraid I'm over reacting or asking for too much so I don't usually do anything about it.
I'll be fine. I am glad I can see this. I don't need anything to change except for in myself, and now I can start to cope in better ways since I can admit it.
Thanks for reading. :)


  1. My darling dear, I have 'invisible' issues. They may be exactly what you are talking about or at least similar. I truly think mine, at least, stem from coming from a large family. I want to be seen and included but I'm not going to draw attention to myself strictly to gain attention. I don't have many words to describe how I feel, but will say often I feel invisible like no one sees me or maybe, even worse, they do and just don't care. More than once in my life I have had people walk away when I was in the middle of saying something or interupt with a completely unrelated topic while I was talking. I think most of the time when this happens it is simply a matter of they didn't hear me since I have been told I can be quite soft spoken. I also wonder if it is because I never shut up and people know they have to 'get out' when they can. :) Anyway. I'm sorry you feel this sadness and seperation, but am glad you are beginning to identify things in your life. Overcoming and enduring is what life is about so press forward m'dear with faith and joy. Peace will come and only the important will remain, let go of all else. :)

  2. I have these issues as well...in case you haven't noticed...I need lots of attention, when I want attention. And you haven't been giving me that attention lately :'-(

  3. I have the greatest urge to make fun of you at the moment. However, I think every single one of our family members have this "problem". We just all go about it differently. I think it is why we are all able to stay so close when we don't even talk for weeks to months at a time. Just know that you are loved by many and you and your family are ALWAYS welcomed in my home.