December 2, 2012

A Star & A Napkin

Last December I had the pleasure of being in a Christmas choir. The beautiful woman (we'll call her Star because its an abbreviation of her name) directed it & just taught me a lot. I have admired, loved, and respected her for years before this. After this we became good friends. But in the midst of this my body was kind of freaking out & trying to convince its-self that it was pregnant. This was VERY hard on us. We wanted it so bad, but didn't know if we could trust it & were worried about the symptoms I was having if I wasn't pregnant. Eventually we had an ultrasound (after a positive pregnancy test, but negative blood test) and I was not pregnant....... (obviously since its a year later & I still have only one angelic LittleOne). It was hard. I went to choir practice that night just to drop something off, and they were practicing "Lead Kindly Light" for Stake Conference (that we sang at right before the Christmas concert). Things were too hard that night, and My BetterHalf & I needed to be together, I went home right after dropping my thing off.
But I have loved "Lead Kindly Light" my whole life, I decided when I was rather young to try & live my life by its lyrics. But earlier that same day after coming from the ultrasound crushed, I couldn't do it. I couldn't even sing the song & thinking the lyrics made me bawl.  But being in that choir I got to the point where I could accept that that just wasn't the right timing. And I could sing & performed that song with gusto. I know without a doubt, though I can't explain it publicly, that one day I will have another daughter & I have decided (with my BetterHalf's agreement) that her from birth nickname is "Star". Partially for a song a sang in that choir that lead me through, partially after my older brother who has the from birth nickname of "Guiding Star" , partially after Star herself because of all she gives for others even when she has no more to give, and partially because she is the star I am looking at to help me find my way to the Son, when I feel lost.

Fast forward to Friday night. We had a beautiful ward Christmas party. We were actually able to go, and I loved it! Each table was set up by a different woman with her best dishes from home, so we got to know the different women that way. The table we sat at was set by a beautiful woman who has done nothing but believe in me in times when I just needed someone to & to tell me they did. (Though we didn't know it was her's when we sat down). When we got to it the napkins were all set on one plate, so we moved them to all the plates, *these napkins were white. In the middle of the table were these GORGEOUS figurines of Santa Claus, that looked like they came from all over & from all different ages. I loved the table. I love Santa, and his symbolism. ("I believe in Santa Claus" is one of the best books, if you don't know it. Check it out! It is a simple, short, illustrated book. But it is pure goodness!) After a while this beautiful, dedicated woman came and offered us some red napkins, said she had to run home to get them because she felt the table needed another splash of color. The table was already full of people so they got left in the corner next to our table. Dinner & socializing was great. Then there was a program with some hilarious & spiritual parts. Then they sang this song: Mary Did you know? (I don't know the choir singing it here, but I love what they did with it, we had a soloist singing it). The soloist did a phenomenal job. But I use to perform this song every year in a Christmas choir, around the same time I was a nanny. And given my name I always dreamed of the children I would have as I sang this song. I would think of what it meant to be a Mother. And as I sat there listening to this song, I just started bawling! I had to lean over and cry into my husband's shoulder. I know I was feeling sorry for myself, and had lost the sight of what mattered. I wasn't looking at my Star, or the Son. I was simply looking down wondering where they were & why I couldn't be closer. Why I couldn't hold that Star yet. After a while I needed a napkin to clean myself off a bit. I couldn't get my white one I had used during dinner off the plate. So I just leaned over & grabbed a red one not thinking much of it. I used it, and held it. I sat up & enjoyed the show, as I could. After awhile I started having the sorry for myself thoughts & looked at this napkin, just because it was there. And as I saw it there next to the Santas I started to think of the symbolism of its red. I thought of the scripture "Though your sins be as scarlet as blood, they shall be as white as snow."  Then I thought of His blood, the whole reason red is a Christmas color. And I thought of why He spilt it for me, and those I love. I thought of how I have one miracle child. And isn't that what Mary's oldest was, a miracle child? Isn't that one reason we celebrate Him! My Savior Jesus Christ! My sweet Princess LittleOne! I'm not alone. I will have faith. And one day I will hold my Star. But until then a simple red napkin helped me realize that my tears really do fall on Him. And that He knows my sorrows, and what's more that I can carry them with Him. None of this is stuff I didn't know before, just this reminder, this simple napkin, helped this information (with the Holy Ghost) pierce straight to my soul. It helped me let go of all the frustration & bitterness. I am healed, and as long as I can keep a good focus on the right things I'll be just fine. I do not resent what I don't have. But I am VERY grateful for what I do. I am not alone. I will follow when He "Leads Kindly Light", and I do see the Son.


  1. I love the symbolism of the color red. It is so striking in artwork, and so powerful and strong a color. I am glad the Lord is helping you work through all these sad feelings! We love you, just like He does!

  2. It took me a long time to be able to figure out a way of saying this or what to say, but I love you, so I keep thinking about it and want to share.

    I suspected that that was going on last year and I was a little sad that you didn't share with me at the time. However, I realized that you finally did share and that in and of itself is huge when it's so personal. I love both of you SO SO much. I was talking to Steve on Sunday night and letting him know how much you guys both mean to me. I know I'll see you guys later today and probably say the same exact thing, but the amount of love is overwhelming and I really want you guys to know.

    If I haven't said it enough yet,
    I love you.