A Star & A Napkin

Last December I had the pleasure of being in a Christmas choir. The beautiful woman (we'll call her Star because its an abbreviation of her name) directed it & just taught me a lot. I have admired, loved, and respected her for years before this. After this we became good friends. But in the midst of this my body was kind of freaking out & trying to convince its-self that it was pregnant. This was VERY hard on us. We wanted it so bad, but didn't know if we could trust it & were worried about the symptoms I was having if I wasn't pregnant. Eventually we had an ultrasound (after a positive pregnancy test, but negative blood test) and I was not pregnant....... (obviously since its a year later & I still have only one angelic LittleOne). It was hard. I went to choir practice that night just to drop something off, and they were practicing "Lead Kindly Light" for Stake Conference (that we sang at right before the Christmas concert). Things were too hard that night, and My BetterHalf & I needed to be together, I went home right after dropping my thing off.
But I have loved "Lead Kindly Light" my whole life, I decided when I was rather young to try & live my life by its lyrics. But earlier that same day after coming from the ultrasound crushed, I couldn't do it. I couldn't even sing the song & thinking the lyrics made me bawl.  But being in that choir I got to the point where I could accept that that just wasn't the right timing. And I could sing & performed that song with gusto. I know without a doubt, though I can't explain it publicly, that one day I will have another daughter & I have decided (with my BetterHalf's agreement) that her from birth nickname is "Star". Partially for a song a sang in that choir that lead me through, partially after my older brother who has the from birth nickname of "Guiding Star" , partially after Star herself because of all she gives for others even when she has no more to give, and partially because she is the star I am looking at to help me find my way to the Son, when I feel lost.

Fast forward to Friday night. We had a beautiful ward Christmas party. We were actually able to go, and I loved it! Each table was set up by a different woman with her best dishes from home, so we got to know the different women that way. The table we sat at was set by a beautiful woman who has done nothing but believe in me in times when I just needed someone to & to tell me they did. (Though we didn't know it was her's when we sat down). When we got to it the napkins were all set on one plate, so we moved them to all the plates, *these napkins were white. In the middle of the table were these GORGEOUS figurines of Santa Claus, that looked like they came from all over & from all different ages. I loved the table. I love Santa, and his symbolism. ("I believe in Santa Claus" is one of the best books, if you don't know it. Check it out! It is a simple, short, illustrated book. But it is pure goodness!) After a while this beautiful, dedicated woman came and offered us some red napkins, said she had to run home to get them because she felt the table needed another splash of color. The table was already full of people so they got left in the corner next to our table. Dinner & socializing was great. Then there was a program with some hilarious & spiritual parts. Then they sang this song: Mary Did you know? (I don't know the choir singing it here, but I love what they did with it, we had a soloist singing it). The soloist did a phenomenal job. But I use to perform this song every year in a Christmas choir, around the same time I was a nanny. And given my name I always dreamed of the children I would have as I sang this song. I would think of what it meant to be a Mother. And as I sat there listening to this song, I just started bawling! I had to lean over and cry into my husband's shoulder. I know I was feeling sorry for myself, and had lost the sight of what mattered. I wasn't looking at my Star, or the Son. I was simply looking down wondering where they were & why I couldn't be closer. Why I couldn't hold that Star yet. After a while I needed a napkin to clean myself off a bit. I couldn't get my white one I had used during dinner off the plate. So I just leaned over & grabbed a red one not thinking much of it. I used it, and held it. I sat up & enjoyed the show, as I could. After awhile I started having the sorry for myself thoughts & looked at this napkin, just because it was there. And as I saw it there next to the Santas I started to think of the symbolism of its red. I thought of the scripture "Though your sins be as scarlet as blood, they shall be as white as snow."  Then I thought of His blood, the whole reason red is a Christmas color. And I thought of why He spilt it for me, and those I love. I thought of how I have one miracle child. And isn't that what Mary's oldest was, a miracle child? Isn't that one reason we celebrate Him! My Savior Jesus Christ! My sweet Princess LittleOne! I'm not alone. I will have faith. And one day I will hold my Star. But until then a simple red napkin helped me realize that my tears really do fall on Him. And that He knows my sorrows, and what's more that I can carry them with Him. None of this is stuff I didn't know before, just this reminder, this simple napkin, helped this information (with the Holy Ghost) pierce straight to my soul. It helped me let go of all the frustration & bitterness. I am healed, and as long as I can keep a good focus on the right things I'll be just fine. I do not resent what I don't have. But I am VERY grateful for what I do. I am not alone. I will follow when He "Leads Kindly Light", and I do see the Son.

For CookieMonster.... Also

 So a while back, you may remember or could even go look now,  we were tagged to do an answer the questions about yourself thing, it was fun. :) I like sharing. Well, I then tagged an amazing friend/sort of relative of mine, and she asked that even though she couldn't tag us back. That I feel out the questions she had. So here's for you CookieMonster!

1. How did you come to blog?
Our blog was first created when we lived in ID as a way to help Grandparents keep in touch with us. Then it just became a place for fun & keeping in touch all around with people.
2. What is/are your favorite book/books?
My favorite fictional book is 'Elantris' by Brandon Sanderson (LOVE HIM AS AN AUTHOR!) My BetterHalf's favorite book (or atleast one of them) is 'Ender's Game' by Orson Scott Card (Who happens to be one of his favorite authors).
3. Who do you miss being around?
Right now, mostly  CatMan.
4. What is your favorite food?
Popcorn.
5. What is/was your favorite job (or the one you hated least)?
I have so many mixed feelings here. I loved it at Trafalga, but things ended really bad there. I loved the cause for what I was doing at Liken the most, but there was a man there who made things ridiculous. Well, besides BRG I really haven't had a job I didn't like. 
6. What is your favorite hanging out activity?
I personally REALLY like playing card games while hanging out, or board games. Though eating is a really good one too. 

7. What motivates you to get out of the bed in the morning?
My LittleOne, and my BetterHalf. Then there's my great desire to simply accomplish things & not feel idle. 
8. Where is your favorite vacation?
With family, anywhere where there's A LOT of family but things are really relaxed. 
9. Do you like pictures being taken of you?
Yeah, actually, I really do. I think its fun, and a great way to preserve memories. I don't always like how I look in them when I see them, but I do love having them taken. 
10. How do you keep track of important things?
 .... I kind of catalouge them in my mind.
11. Why did you end up participating?
Simply because I love CookieMonster and she asked me to. 

Also on another note, I got accepted to BYU! I start in January, I think I'm going to try starting out with taking an english class, and a history class first. We'll see.  

Inclusion

A week ago I was in CA enjoying myself with people I love. Wrestling with nephews & talking with nieces. Rediscovering relationships with sisters. And learning from family. It was a great weekend! I got to watch my niece get baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints! I'm so happy for her.
But at some hard times for me I realized that while I am now grown-up (I feel, I mean come on I have been married for 5 years, and have a 4 year old daughter), I still felt like a help-less scared little girl at times. Perhaps I care too much about what my sisters think of me. Perhaps I give too much heart to my desires to have a relationship with Raquel. But at one point when I had to just remove myself from the situation (I'm pretty sure the fact that I was tired & it was getting late was a big excellator), I realized that I have 'inclusion issues'. I don't know that that's a real term.
But I do know that I have now let myself admit more fully than ever before that I need to feel included. I don't need to be in the middle of things, I don't even need to be in everything but I greatly crave, & put probably too much effort, into simply being a part of those I care about lives. That's why things are so hard for me with my in-laws and how they never invite us to anything & even talk about things they are going to do without us.
This is why things with not being able to know whats going on in Raqul's life are so hard. This is why I give my surrogate brothers such a hard time when I don't hear from them in months. This is why it is so easy for me to feel neglected. I'm not saying its anyones fault or that people have done things wrong.
But I don't know how to include myself a lot of the time (mostly because I want it so bad but don't want to throw myself at people... I'm afraid that they don't want me because I want them so bad).
I tried to explain this to a mentor of mine while I was a teenager and she said I sounded prideful. It took me till this weekend to realize that I wasn't having a pride issue, I'm not worried about what people think of me but I am worried about if they will include me in their lives. Then I'm afraid I'm over reacting or asking for too much so I don't usually do anything about it.
I'll be fine. I am glad I can see this. I don't need anything to change except for in myself, and now I can start to cope in better ways since I can admit it.
Thanks for reading. :)

For Uncle Love

So I have been tagged by the man known to my LittleOne as UncleLove at his blog: Justin Stockett's Grand Adventure called Life. (Which is an awesome blog written by one of my favorite people.)
So according to his blog (which I read all the way through) I must now go forth and blog! (I don't always do what I'm told, but I will this time. Sometimes a contrary person needs to be complying so that people can't predict them as well.)
The five rules of the game are:
1. Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
2. Answer the questions the nominator asked, and create 11 questions for your nominees to answer.
3. Choose 11 people and link them in your post.
4. Go to the 11 people's pages and tell them.
5. No Tag backs! (Which means I can't tag UncleLove :( )

I'll try and see if I can get the whole 11 things here....

Uno: Today I got accepted into BYU for the second time. Many people know that, what you may not know is that the first time I was accepted it terrified me. Today it only excited me.

Dos: My BetterHalf and I speak almost the exact same Love Languages.

Tres: I spent the first 8 years of my life living in Washington state, the next 8 years living in California, and while it hasn't been consistent this time I am near my 8th year in Utah.

Quatro: For years I wanted to go by my middle name Dian, because it wasn't as popular as my first name.

Cinco: My dream (while it has slightly been tweaked over the years) of what I want to be when I grow up has basically been the same since I was four years of age. (Which is weird to think is now the age of my precious daughter.)

Ses: I would give anything to do what I feel is the right thing.

Siete: My favorite dog is a Husky. And when I was younger that did have something to do with the movie 'Balto'. Now its because I love how loyal, beautiful, strong, and protective they are.

Ocho: I do not consider myself crafty, though I do tend to make things. I can eat something and get a good idea on how to replicate it. But if it comes to making something look like something particular I'm almost helpless, I will usually be able to do it after having to take it apart and start over again about a dozen times.

Nueve: I honestly believe that my husband and I are soulmates, and that he is truly my BetterHalf.

Diaz: I truly believe that dreams do come true, and should never be given up on (though they do sometimes need to be altered or changed out).

Once: One day when my BetterHalf and I build our dinner theater our first show will be "Newsies" and the menu at our show will change every time the show does, to fit the atmosphere of the show.

The next questions are the ones that UncleLove wrote.

1. Favorite mystical/mythical animal?
Does Tom Bombadil from The Lord of the Rings count? He's not really human, and he is my favorite character in that series.... But if they must not be humanoid, then all the wise animals from Narnia. :)
2. Favorite place
My BetterHalf's arms, or the stage. Anywhere on the stage. Anywhere in his arms.
3. Most random childhood memory
I was playing on the playground at our apartments when I was 9. And one of my closest friends asked me where my horns and tail were, in all sincerity. She had been informed that Mormons have them. I was perplexed, and said that I didn't have any anymore than she did. Yeah... it was interesting.
4. What is something about yourself that you're proud of?
LittleOne.
5. What is something awesome about yourself that I may not know?
I have written a published poem.
6. Favorite number.
7
7. What are your feelings on the matter of cheese? 
Excellent part of a diet that should be included. It affects texture, flavor, odor, nutrition and so on. But should NOT be had in excess, and should not be in most soups.
8. Favorite book or series, if not possible favorite genre.
Pearl of Great Price on non-fiction books. Elantris by Brandon Sanderson for the fictional group. As far as genre goes: fantasy. Though really any that is GOOD (by full definition of the word) and has well developed characters.
9. A quote you love?
"Don't let yesterday take up too much of today." or another is "It is necessary to have wished for death to know how good it is to live."
10. Someone you look up to in history
Albert Einstein.
11. Someone you admire in Present day? 

Kim

Now I get to come up with questions!

1. What are your feelings on Harry Potter?
2. What is your love language? If you don't know, then which would you rather have a)gift b)acts of service c)words of affection  d) physical touch or e) quality time, and why?
3. What country would you visit if you could? And if not any then why?
4. How do you like to relax?
5. Do you believe ignorance is bliss?
6. As an American do you feel any responsibility to vote? Or even to be in politics?
7. What are your top 3 favorite colors?
8. Do you or would you like to speak another language?
9. Are there any books you would suggest I read?
10. What are your feelings on nicknames?
11. What does music mean to you? 

So now I have chosen 11 people to do as I have done. I really hope these people will co-operate I would love to see how they respond:
One: Karen with Buzz at the Bowlers
Two: Adele with Merrily Karolys
Three: Hannah with Bittersweet Musings
Four: Alicia with Karolying
Five: Heidi with Hide'n'Hunts
Six: Atlas with Names aren't everything
Seven: Amanda with the Daily Grind
Eight: Leanna with Our Treasure Hunt
Nine: Maureen with Mean the Jelly Bean
Ten: Ruth with Grandma Hunt
Eleven:  Andrew with the Ground Hurts

Preschool Drama

So I have a cute daughter. I know that. She has ALWAYS been able to get male attention, it surprised me (and made me smile) when a boy who only looked a few months older than her, randomly walked up in D. I. and offered my LittleOne his balloon. She was like 16 months. The boy ran back to his Mom, and she smiled and said that was ok as long as he was sure he wanted to give it up. And he just insisted she was too cute, and needed a balloon..... Other things have come to her just as easily since.
That's that..... But today was.... interesting.
LittleOne is in Preschool. Yay! She's been loving it, and today I went and volunteered to help out all day. (It was also her first field trip, I think she had fun!) Now she's been telling me for weeks now how the girls aren't too nice to her at school, and how it makes her feel bad when they refuse to play with her and push her away. I didn't think too much about it figuring since it's preschool it must be a miscommunication or something.
Well, no the girls today did not want to play with her and made it pretty evident with haughty looks, scowls, and their tone of voice when they say "Sierra!" Yeah. I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and guess its because they speak a different language. (Yes, my daughter; a white american in a Public, goverment run, preschool in Utah, USA is the minority in her class. ALMOST all the kids speak spanish and are very latin-american.) But then other things started drawing my attention......
 For one thing, as we played all the boys did everything she said. And as she played house they got all dressed in construction clothes & came to fix anything she'd tell them to, or stop fixing anything she said was fine. And they would come stand right in front of her to argue over things.....
Another boy came over and tried to talk to her during recess, asking her name. She shooed him away & he looked very forlorn. When I asked why she did it, she said he had hit her before. I told her that he was trying to be nice now and be her friend so maybe she would give him another chance. He came back a little later, looking sad, and offered her a toy he had on his finger. This time she accepted the toy & they played for a while. The boy looked as happy as can be after they played for a while by the time LittleOne was ready to move to a new game. (It was cute. This experience I actually really like.)
 Then the one thing that I just... well I'm sure its still being figured out by me more than she's even thinking of it. But I can't get that guilty, trapped look on her face out of my head. They were just finishing recess, and getting lined up to go back inside. The teacher was making sure everyone was coming. I was walking over to join them all (LittleOne had run infront of me), then I noticed that a boy kept leaning closer to her while standing in front of her. Then he kissed her! Right on the lips. She looked mad, and pushed him away. So he waited a few seconds, then came back over around and pinned her against the wall where she was lined up and just started kissing her over and over again.

My 4 year old LittleOne was being pinned to the wall by a boy and kissed over and over against her will. She made it obvious she didn't want it. I couldn't run over quick enough! I physically pulled him off & told him no. By that point, as I was pulling him away, the teacher noticed and apologized to me with a mortified expression.

I don't know. Maybe she's just meant for drama. 

My Favorite Things..... I mean Color.

After years of having no real favorite colors besides Black & White... which most people don't count.So when asked my favorite color the answer often then usually has been whatever I feel like at the moment, or the stand-by of green. I do love green. But I'm here to tell you that I have a new, actual favorite color.

Orange.

I keep being pulled towards it. There's something in its brightness. How its been surrounding me as fall steps in. Fall: when the world is seeking renewal and preparing for the storm that cleanses, beautifies, and betters the world.
The color its-self seems optimistic and ready to face the world. Yes, I'm sure that I love green, yellow, red, blue, violet, etc. But orange now holds something special with black and white in my book.

Orange means vitality with endurance. 

In Response

I hope you'll bear with me. I have been thinking of blogging a bit of a look into my inner-me. And as I read one of my favorite blogs just now I found myself wanting to say more than should be said in a comment. So for those who wish to know what I'm responding to, it can be found HERE.
So I don't wear glasses, but have had problems with my eyes my whole life.
(This is going to be a bit of a rant, so I don't mind if you don't want to read this.)
I've had different ways to cope with this my whole life. Sometimes they act mostly like regular eyes with just a bit of pain in the background. Other times I can't see for hours. Most the time I've wanted just some kind of eyes that didn't have to hurt, but  sometimes like today I'm just grateful for eyes that can see the great details of life.
Now I don't know if you'll understand this jump, but it makes sense to me......
I am a realist. Some people call me a pessimist, others an optimist. But in my self of selves I am a realist. I try to see things as they are, in all their truth and just rely on that. I believe that if you trust the truth and do your part God will do His part because greatest of all truths is that He does care, and He is there.
I don't believe in God because I was told to, I believe in God because that is the only logical explanation to life. He is there.
Now back to my eyes. They hurt, all the time, but most the time I can see. Sometimes I can't. But light, light is a tricky one. Light hurts, ALWAYS. Its bearable, its part of life. I'm not wanting to get rid of it. It just hurts.
(Something else you should know, symbolism means A LOT to me.)
I get it (though I had a hard time seeing it for a while) when they call Christ the light of the world. You know, light hurts, why would I want that? But its with light that things are more easily seen, its with light that most people find confidence. Because I have spent a lot of time avoiding light, for a good portion of my life I have try to make sure that anything that was important to do I could do without seeing. I still think its an important skill. (Unfortunately I'm no Daredevil or even blind person I don't have heightened senses, just pay attention.)
(I know I'm rambling.)
So my favorite color is actually Black (second is white). I LOVE the dark. The song "Music of the Night" speaks directly to my soul. I get it. And I find that its in those dark times of life that people find out truth, especially about themselves. And that is EXTREMELY important to me. I LOVE black, I LOVE darkness, and I LOVE understanding things. I feel that that is easiest in the dark.
But I realize that is the opposite of how most people think of it. I realize that most people just realize that confidence that is renewed in light. But I appreciate the confidence you can find in yourself while in the dark, I think that is the moment you find the true you & decide whether or not you can accept the true you and where you find a way to change yourself if you choose not to accept yourself.
I truly believe that in the darkness you turn to God & if you WANT to change you can and will.
I don't know if this makes sense, but it's crystal clear in my head and heart. So I believe in the light, and I love the dark. And I am grateful for both. Opposition is a good thing. :D

Treasurebox

My Father started a tradition in that each of his children were given a nickname at birth. Sort of a prayer to help us see the potential within ourselves. I am Treasurebox. I like it. When I asked my Father why that name he explained that it's because I am full of good & beautiful things like a treasurebox. I don't know if I've lived up to it, but it's a good thing to strive for.
With that said I'm considering starting a new blog about the different projects I do (mostly knitting, crocheting, sewing, and cooking). I would call it "Treasurebox Collection".
What do you all think? Would you read it? And if so would you just occasionally somewhat peruse it. Or do you think I could possibly be as cool as say SnowWhite and do a blog that you would all like & would recommend to others? (If you have no idea on either, you should respond and tell me that too.) So yeah... Please respond and tell me what you think....

Number 9....

You know those people who step into your life and you think it will be forever? I had one of those, and it's not that anything happened, just that for some reason neither of us seem to be able to make our friendship a priority. Now I have multiple people in my life who fit that description, but most of them it's no problem. I know if something were to come up we'd still have eachother's back. There's one specific person who I can't seem to get out of my mind, but doesn't seem to want to be in my life.
She is amazing always has been. For years we were friends who only talked once a year. Then we got out of high school and for a while you couldn't separate us. Now she has a daughter I haven't even met yet, and a husband I've only seen twice.
I don't know if our paths are suppose to still do something for each other. But for now we seem pretty estranged, and I can't help but feel sad over that.

Bedroll, You are amazing. Your smile is infectious. You are brilliant. You could chase the clouds and eventually catch them. You will make an amazing Mom! And I'm so glad you finally have a man that works with you, and is willing to put forth as much effort as you. I don't know what happened. But I still think about you often. Thanks for touching my life. Maybe I just need to embrace that saying, "Some people walk into your life for a reason and a season." Our season was long. I hope we'll have another one. Keep smiling, and keep trusting God. He's still on your side I'm sure. I love you my dear.
Thanks, MDJ

2012 Pictures

 Here are the amazing pictures I promised from Moments in Time by Alicia Karoly . There are a lot, so I am going to sort of overload you with pictures, but I promise I'm only doing my favorites.
Here are the ones of just me. I made myself the dress & gloves for my birthday.

These are the ones I like that don't have people in them (My BetterHalf made the Parade Cane):

 These are the ones of all of us, my amazing family!

 
My BetterHalf! Absolutely in love with these!

 Me & My LittleOne! My favorite girl and one of my best friends:

 My BetterHalf & I, these were taken on our 5 year Anniversary! I LOVE YOU, You truly are my BetterHalf!

My LittleOne. I know its already been shown here but here she is in the dress & gloves I made her.

And last of all, my two favorite people: